The Kitchen Nightmares Drinking Game!

You know what I love? Food.

It’s kinda why I’m fat.

You know what I love more than food? Nothing. But this -up until now, was a nice segue to Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. All but the latest season of which I have lovingly curated over the past year or so. It’s one of the few trashy shows that I can stand watching without my head spinning around 360 degrees and vomiting pea soup. Combine that with the UK version of the show, and the Boiling Point/Beyond Boiling Point miniseries, and I have more Gordon Ramsay than I know what to do with.

This expression haunts my nightmares
This face haunts my nightmares

While watching the trashier and inferior US version, there’s a few constants in the show, namely that Gordon swears until things are magically fixed and the restauranteurs are way too far up their own arse. So without further ado, I present

The Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares Drinking Game!
(v1.0)

This is meant for the U.S. version of the show, in all it’s trashy, heavily-edited glory. You could attempt this with the UK version, but it might not suit it as well. You’re probably wondering why you’d want to get shitfaced while watching a Gordon Ramsay show, but hell, people do it with Family Guy, The Boondock Saints and Absolutely Fabulous, so why the fuck not?

The obligatory voice of reason that most people will scroll right over: Please drink responsibly. If you can’t manage that, at least drunk responsibly. I’m mostly posting this up to amuse myself and the 2.5 people who read my blog. I like a good booze-up as much as the next guy, but I have this horrible feeling following these rules will render even the most iron-clad of livers permanently damaged, given the rapid frequency of this shit happening during a typical season of the show.

My lovely girlfriend Kim helped me refresh my memory on some things, and felt she should be credited as consultant. So here you go dear, just in case you weren’t joking. XOXO

7YsS7aI

One Drink

-When Gordon asks if the food is fresh or frozen
-When Gordon comments that the restaurant’s decor is outdated, unwelcoming, etc.
-When the owner/manager rate the food anything above 7 out of 10, or defend the food/says “it’s not that bad”, or that “it’s popular”/”the customers like it”
-When the restaurant staff disagree with the owners/managers on the quality of the food
-When Gordon describes the food as “bland”, “disgusting”, “outdated”, etc.
-When Gordon finds out the kitchen is messy, hasn’t been cleaned, etc.
-When Gordon is checking the fridge, he exclaims “What is that?”, “Look at that!”, “Oh God!”
-When Gordon claims the chef is lazy, doesn’t care, or they have lost their passion
-When Gordon exclaims “Oh fucking hell”.
-When Gordon orders the kitchen, fridges or restaurant to be cleaned out
-After the restaurant is given a makeover or renovations, people exclaim “Oh my god!”
-When Gordon arranges a huge publicity stunt for the restaurant’s relaunch
-When Gordon orders everyone to “Stop!”/”Just Stop!”

795

Two Drinks

-When the restaurant staff claims the food is fresh, then later admit (or the owners admit) that it is frozen
-When Gordon comments on damaged carpeting, furniture, plates, etc.
-When Gordon finds rotten food, mould, animal shit or cockroaches/rats anywhere in the restaurant
-When the owners criticize or otherwise lose their shit at Gordon
-When the staff criticize the owners/managers.
-When Gordon arranges a staff meeting/huddle
-When the service slows to a crawl before the restaurant’s relaunch
-When Gordon loses his shit at the owners/managers
-When Gordon disposes of/destroys/unpacks something from the restaurant as a joke, a stunt, or to make a point to the owners/staff
-When a mayor, celebrity, politician or influential food blogger comes to the restaurant

464

Three Drinks

-When Gordon accidentally drops, spills or damages something in the restaurant
-When the owners or staff decide they don’t like the restaurant’s new look, menu, or service
-When the owners/staff threaten to, or end up walking out (either temporarily, or rest of the episode)
-When the service slows to a crawl after the changes
-When Gordon plugs a brand of POS system, oven, cutlery/crockery as part of the makeover
-When there is more than one manager/owner
-When Gordon spits out a piece of food, or gets a staff member to try it
-When Gordon organizes a cook-off or taste-test between himself and the chef, or between two chefs
-When the mayor, politician, celebrity or influential food-blogger complains about the food, wait times, restaurant, etc.

c73

Four Drinks

-When the owners try to reinstate the old menu
-When Gordon threatens to leave
-When an owner/staff member gets fired
-When Gordon takes the owners/staff to a boxing ring
-When Gordon uses family photos, newspaper articles, or historical photos as part of the restaurant makeover
-When Gordon changes part or all of the name of the restaurant as part of the makeover
-When the restaurant ends up closing or gets sold after the changes (including “Revisited” episodes)
-When a hair/bug/etc. is found  in the food, or on the table
-When gum/rubbish is found under the tables
-When a diner doesn’t like the food or decor after the makeover/changes

342622-chef-gordon-ramsay-funny-memes

BONUS!
(Either five drinks, or a shot of spirits)

-When emergency services are called to the restaurant
-When rotten or spoiled food/condiments are sent out to restaurant patrons
-When Gordon enjoys the food during the initial taste test

SPECIFIC RULES FOR S06E16 – “AMY’S BAKING COMPANY”

The couple you love to hate! Especially when alcohol’s involved! Use these rules when watching the “Amy’s Baking Company” episode of the sixth season of US Kitchen Nightmares, as well as any other rules above.

One Drink

-When Amy mentions “online/internet haters/bullies”, or claims that the online reviews are “lies”

Two Drinks

-When Amy or Samy flip out at a staff member or customer

So that’s about it for now! This will be updated whenever I remember or think up new rules. Feel free to contribute by shooting me an email (felafel at rukusan dot com) or posting on my public Facebook page.

For now, Enjoy!

image

R18+ Ratings and The Stick of Truth

Author Note: This will probably contain spoilers. Lots of spoilers. I will keep them to a minimum for the sake of the poor sod who checks this without playing the game in question, but I will be a mean spoilery-spoil-sport. You have been warned.

So I recently bought Obsidian’s “South Park: The Stick of Truth”, which has the new fancy R18+ label on it.

One sentence review: It’s good. Buy it.

For those not in the know, us Australians only got an “adult” rating for games recently because the powers that be in the Land Girt by Sea finally realized that adults who like adult things also like to waste time waggling a couple of sticks as much as your average foul-mouthed teenager who uses the word “fag” to excess.

The entire thing has seemed to be a waste of time though, considering games are still being refused classification. South Park was one of the many in the firing line, with Ubisoft completely censoring parts of the game with a picture of a crying koala and a brief description of what’s going on. It was kinda funny to start with, and annoying when the (hopefully) final koala shed its tears.

0_0_0_0_70_http---i.haymarket.net.au-News-2014-02-23_00025
Australians all let us rejoice…

As much as it completely took me out of the game and got tiresome after a while, that’s not the part that bugs me. I can deal with censorship in games (we can’t think for ourselves here, remember?). What bugs me is that the censorship of the game is completely inconsistent. Not to mention it’s fucking South Park, where not only there has been very little uncharted territory in the realms of toilet humour, ranging from a talking turd to cannibalism to one of the main characters dying in various gruesome ways, but the series is freely available on DVD here.

Author Note #2: Here’s where the spoilers start. Last chance to turn back if you truly give a shit about your enjoyment of this game over a shitty opinion piece on a blog nobody reads.

What they did censor was several minigames featuring anal probing and giving a male character an abortion. “Fair enough”, I’m sure you’ll claim “That’s pretty fucked up.”

Sure, but what didn’t they censor? The protagonist’s players having sex (and later, having to dodge a giant pair of hairy testicles), zombie fetuses, and a myriad of other things which -if we’re going to have the Australian Government be all “think of the Children!” for us, the game probably could have done without.

Oh, and the abortion minigame? Appears later on in the game. But it’s perfectly okay because it’s a robot abortion, and thus, is totally suitable.

End Spoilers. No tears now, only rants.

Being the only game in recent memory that was modified enough to irritate me, it dredged up every single ham-fisted argument I’ve written over the years about Australian censorship and the then-lack of an R18+ rating for games here. It also dredged up all the memories of games, movies and books which somehow got passed unscathed. The constant, scantily-clad reminder being Dead or Alive Xtreme 2. Pretty much a bikini simulator with some rather crap minigames.

Spoiler alert: The boobs also jiggle.
Spoiler alert: The boobs also jiggle.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m no prude, either. Short of gaming atrocities such as RapeLay, I think gaming is a mainstream enough medium to contain as many boobs, butts, blood-splatters, bullets and bodily harm as much as your average action movie. It’s no longer a “kids thing” or a “niche product” anymore. The beer-chugging dudebros who used to steal lunch money from my ilk are now gamers, too. I’ve seen worse depictions of sex and violence at the cinema. What on earth is the goddamn holdup?

It shouldn’t bother me so much, but fuck. I’m almost 30. I’m pretty sure that I can judge for myself whether a movie, game, piece of music, whatever, is appropriate enough for my age range. Moreover, the parents should be able to decide for those under the age of 18 whether a game is suitable or not (and/or just get carded and given the rundown on what apparent brain-warping atrocities Little Timmy is about to face). It makes me wonder what, exactly, is the point of the restricted rating at all if things aren’t exactly changing terribly much and the rating is really a catchall for anything that contains more blood than a Fifa installment.

 

Till next time.

Turning 20.

Not me, that is. I passed my 20’s long ago. But here’s some anniversaries for you all.

Scud: The Disposable Assassin

Scud was the first big comic book purchase I made. Picked up “The Whole Shebang!” from Amazon (I think) and read it cover-to-cover in the space of about a week. Scud -bless his pointy yellow head, got me into comics properly. Before that, it was pretty much Watchmen and some stuff I picked up on impulse whilst travelling in the US.

For those new to the title, Scud is pretty much what it says on the box (or, in this case, vending machine). He is a disposable assassin, sent on an assignment to kill off Jeff, a piecemeal monster with a plug for a head, a squid strapped to her chest, and mouths for knees. During this assignment, Scud discovers the warning label on his back, saying he will self-destruct on completion of the assignment. Instead of resigning to his fate, Scud cripples Jeff and puts him on life support, thus extending his lifespan for far longer.

Following that, Scud gets involved with the mob, fights Voodoo Ben Franklin, goes to a western town, travels in space and eventually meets Sussudio, the comic’s eventual love interest. These are not in order, nor does it completely encompass Scud’s entire journey. The story of Scud is so completely over the top and bizarre that it quickly became a favourite and constantly-recommended book in my collection. Rob Schrab’s sense of humour carries this comic along from beginning to end and he weaves the story incredibly well.

Clerks

Clerks I won’t say too much on. Chances are, if you’ve read this, you know I’m a huge Kevin Smith fan, and you can blame Clerks for the fact I went to film school and now spend most of my time chronically lying for a living.

This wasn’t my first Kevin Smith film by a longshot. I was introduced to the View Askewniverse by way of Dogma (which, in essence, was the first and only religious epiphany I’ve ever had). Until about 2010, my viewing of the Askewniverse was pretty much ass-backwards. I received the 10th Anniversary edition of Clerks as a travel souvenir from my brother and mother and I didn’t look back since. Aided by the “don’t spend money” philosophy of Robert Rodriguez, Clerks inspired me to make movies (which then turned into a web-series after about 30 false starts and bad scripts, because you know, starting small is probably better).

The beauty of Clerks is that it is a snapshot of not only independent film circa 1994, but the lives of a generation of people who really didn’t know what the fuck to make of their lives. On this level, is speaks to pretty much anyone going through their mid-20’s… You know, if you can stop giggling at the dick and fart jokes enough to listen.

Bill Hicks

That’s right. Bill Hicks has been six feet under for 20 years. I celebrated in my own way by spamming Twitter, as many others did.

Like Kevin Smith, Hicks changed my fucking life. I was first sorta-kinda introduced by way of an online friend plagarising his material, which I found hilarious UNTIL THE TRUTH WAS UNVEILED that the material was, in fact, that of a foul-mouthed american guy with a fascination of the JFK assassination.

Spoiler alert: This guy.

Bill Hicks got me into the grittier, blacker side of stand-up comedy, where the Jerry Seinfelds and Bill Baileys of the world dare not tread. Anyone who rode on Bill’s coattails were, frankly, shit in comparison (lookin’ at you, Denis Leary). Perhaps not the best role model to have, but damnit, he was a role-model I needed.

The Downward Spiral

If you’re not feeling old now, you’re about to. “The Downward Spiral” gets a big, angsty birthday cake as well.

While not my first foray into “industrial rock” (that would be mostly attributed to Rammstein’s “Stripped”, as arguably industrial as they aren’t), like my introduction to Bill Hicks, it was something I needed. It was angry, gritty, and Trent said “Fuck” a lot. It also opened up a lot of other artists for me as well, such as Tweaker, David Bowie and -of course, Johnny Cash.

If this doesn’t make you even a little teary-eyed, you have no soul.
(trust a country musician to make a depressing song even more depressing) 
 

TDS isn’t my favourite album by Nine Inch Nails, mind. Before all the “OMG LYKE, REAL FANS” shank me, I will say it’s certainly up there (preceded by “The Fragile” and “Year Zero” on my list) and it’s a staple of my music collection. But It’s a little too angry for me for the most part. That said, it was still pretty fucking influential. Especially now I’ve found an artform I’m actually good at and I’ve always been impressed with Nine Inch Nails’ music videos. Also, you know. It’s something I chuck on when I’m feeling like a swan-dive off of the balcony is preferable to, this whole ‘living’ bullshit.

Well, that’s it for the birthdays and anniversaries. There’s more coming up (one you can expect lots of sappy, fluffy love bullshit on Facebook along with it), but I’ll come to ’em when they hit.

 

Till next time.